Like a Mother

Redefining Motherhood

Self-Care

Choosing My Motherhood

I remember sitting with my friends for our first girls’ weekend about eight months after my oldest son was born with all of his challenges. It was the first time since his stay in the neonatal intensive care nursery that I had been away from him overnight, and I was relieved and grateful for the getaway.
 
Over the previous months, I’d heard the platitudes over and over… I don’t know how you do it… You’re so strong… You’re an inspiration. I didn’t believe any of them, but I politely said, thank you.
 
But that weekend I heard those things from my three best friends, and the words stung. I replied back, “What other choice do I have? It’s not like I can walk away!”
 
“Yes, you could,” one friend replied, “but you don’t.”

Was that true? Did I really have a choice?

About a year after my son was born, I made another choice, or rather presented that choice to my husband for him to decide. We would stop, and our son would be an only child, or we would have two more children. Because of my life as an only child with a mother who had her own medical needs, it became very important to me that our second child have an ally when things got tough as I knew they inevitably would.
 
Fast forward, and now I’m the mom of three. A choice I made with them in mind, without taking my own wants and needs into account. Not realizing that at the end of the day, I was choosing a life I wasn’t sure I actually wanted.
 
Motherhood is hard for me. I don’t love it. I absolutely love these three humans I helped create, but each day it’s a choice I make to step into the role of being a mother, to take on that title, and to do that job.

Each day I choose not to walk away.

Self-care is a hot topic in the mom community and especially the special needs mom community, many talking about not having the time or ability for self-care, or lamenting that a pedicure isn’t going to make their life better.
 
And I agree, to a degree. Self-care is more than a pedicure. Truly caring for yourself is an individual act of kindness and gratitude to yourself, and it may require you to do things you’ve never done before, or that others might look down on.

For me, self-care looks like this:

Self-care is admitting that motherhood is hard for me, and accepting that it is okay for me to not like being a mom despite society telling me otherwise.
 
Self-care is working and paying for childcare because being the default parent 24/7 is detrimental to my mental health.
 
Self-care is flying in my mother-in-law up to help with my kids so I can travel to a conference in California and learn and laugh with women who get me and my struggle.
 
Self-care is making time to fill my cup and realizing it was emptier than I thought and that I might need to fill it more often.
 
Self-care is recognizing that it’s not too late to do the things that I dreamed of doing, and that my children seeing me take steps towards those dreams is not selfish, but a life-lesson.
  
Somewhere over the years the definition of motherhood became synonymous with martyrdom and selfless became the opposite of selfish. I’m not buying into either. Yes, there’s a level of sacrifice that comes with being a mother, but we don’t have to lose ourselves completely. I tell my daughter that she can do anything if she takes action and does the work, why can’t the same be true for me? And why does society think it’s wrong if I give myself the same encouragement that I give her? It’s not.

I’m doubling down on and.

I can be a good mother and not love motherhood.

I can be a good mother and work towards my dreams.

I can be a good mother and live a fulfilled life outside of motherhood.

I can be a mother without being a martyr.
I can be both selfless and selfish.
I can be my own version of motherhood.

My 2018 Word for the Year: Nourish

Last year, I jumped on the bandwagon of replacing resolutions with selecting a word for the year. My word for 2017 was freedom, and for the first half of the year, I embraced it and let it guide me. I wrote openly and honestly, I followed my heart, and I sought new opportunities that helped me find the freedom to be me.

And then, on July 10th, my Dad died. I became the peanut butter in the sandwich generation, shifting immediately into caretaker mode for my mother who has her own health issues, and my freedom to think, write, act, and follow my own path took a backseat to all the things that had to be done, and to the people who needed me.

If you’ve ever taken one of those quizzes that identifies your personality type, mine is NOT caretaker. It’s not even close to caretaker. It’s not something that comes easily to me at all. However, it’s something I’ve been doing for 12 years since the birth of my first son with special needs, so I’ve adapted and learned to do what doesn’t come easily, but that doesn’t mean I like it.

And when life hands me something I don’t like, I get overwhelmed, and I shut down. I procrastinate. I don’t take care of myself. I ruminate. I obsess. I don’t sleep. I eat like crap. I get stuck in the downward spiral of my monkey mind, and I let negativity win.

I noticed myself making more impulse buys. I was binge eating again. I was dropping the ball, often. I didn’t follow through on commitments. I also felt like total crap. I got sick. My body wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy. And I’m still not happy.

I don’t always practice what I preach, and when a friend is stuck with something, I’ll often say, “You can be bitter, or you can be better.” Lately though, I’ve been bitter.

Now it’s time to be better.

And by better, I mean better to myself.

Nourish

Why did I choose nourish as my word?

I sat with myself and thought of all the things I wanted to gain from this coming year. Words that emerged were: grounded, balance, self-care, success, rest, and choice.

I looked at those, and it was obvious that I needed to focus on bringing myself back to center, but I also launched a new business in 2017 that is thriving. And if I want that growth to continue, it will need more of my attention. What word could support that growth and success, but also support my self-care?

And that’s when I found nourish. Nourish fit all that I’m hoping to achieve in 2018.

I will nourish myself. I’ll nourish my body with healthier food choices, and more regular physical activity, and with more rest.

I will nourish my soul by exploring new spiritual practices and making time to meditate. My soul also longs to explore new places, and nourishing my wanderlust is important, so I will find ways to travel more.

I will also nourish my business. I’ll focus on opportunities, and when presented with them, I will ask the questions, “Does this nourish my business? Will this help me grow?” I’ll also nourish the team I’ve built with training and encouragement.

In addition, I need to nourish the relationships in my life. The time I spend with my children — is it meaningful? Does it nourish our relationship? My relationship with my husband has lacked intimacy, so I will look at ways I can nourish that need as well. And my friendships… I did a lot of taking from my friends in 2017. I needed them, and they were there for me. Now I will return that favor and nourish those relationships that mean the most to me.

When I break down all the ways I can add nourishment, it actually seems like a bit too much. Can I really add all of this to my life this year? But the truth is that even if each area is only improved in small way, I’ll be more satisfied with my life, and I will be happier. Nourishing the areas that have been neglected will only make me better, and life is too short to be bitter.

4 Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

It’s National Kindness Day. Personally, I think everyday should be National Kindness Days. Kindness matters. It feels like there is a lot of negativity in the world, and spreading a little love each day is one way I try to to balance the constant negative noise.

But as much as I do my best to do some small acts of kindness each day, there’s one person with whom my kindness often falls short. Me.

While I’m often the first to remind myself that I don’t know someone else’s story, and to offer grace and compassion instead of being annoyed by someone’s rudeness, I rarely offer myself that same grace and compassion.

I criticize myself constantly. I feed myself full of negative thoughts about everything from what I’m wearing, to how much I weigh, to how much I yell at my kids, to really anything about my looks/work/parenting/life in which I can possibly find fault.

It’s exhausting and unproductive and is seriously a big downer. So I’ve started focusing on ways I can be kind to myself.

Here are four ways I have found to be more kind to yourself today and everyday:

1) Accept a compliment.

How often do you accept a compliment without a qualifier? For example if someone tells you that you like great, do you say, “Oh, really? I feel like a slob. I really need to get my roots done, and I didn’t even shower today, and this shirt is like ten years old — it’s even missing a button right here — I really am just a hot mess of a mom.”

I know, I do it too.

What you should say is, “Thank you.” That’s it. It’s kind to let someone else pay you a compliment.

2) Slow down.

I’m most stressed when I have a long to-do list, and that stress usually leads to me rushing, and that rushing usually leads to more stress, and that leads to feeling overwhelmed, and that leads me making mistakes and missing things, and that leads to feeling like a burned out failure.

When this starts to happen, I have to stop and remind myself that not everything has to be done immediately. If I slow down and take a moment, I can focus on what needs to be done, release the sense of overwhelm, and set myself up for success when I tackle the tasks that must be completed.

3) Make time for something you love.

As moms, we constantly being told about self-care. “Put your oxygen mask on first!” But seriously, you need to do a little something that you love. Motherhood is not synonymous with martyrdom. When you became a mom, you didn’t stop being you. Even if you can find just five minutes a day to do something you enjoy — read a celebrity gossip article, listen to your favorite song, sit quietly in silence before the kids get off the bus — make the time to do one thing you love that is just for you.

4) Forgive yourself.

Beating yourself up for losing your patience with the kids this morning? Stop and think about it this way: what would you say to your best friend if she was saying the same things about herself that you’re saying about yourself? I would tell my friend that parenting is hard, and some days are harder than others, and we all lose our patience now and then. Bad moments don’t make bad moms. Take a breath, and try again.

As I said earlier, kindness matters. Being kind to yourself is one way to show yourself that you matter too.

Back to the Mat: Restorative Yoga with Dana Falsetti

I haven’t set foot in a yoga studio in over a year. The last time I attempted a yoga class, I walked into a room full of skinny people wearing Lululemon, and felt completely out of place in my XL athletic wear from Target. I spent the entire class worrying about how awful I looked, how inflexible I was, and how everyone MUST be staring at me, and I never went back.

The last time I regularly practiced yoga was before the birth of my first child, more than 11 years ago. I did prenatal yoga two or three times a week and loved it. But then my son was born with all of his complications and challenges, and life happened, and more kids happened, and getting back to a yoga practice fell far down the priority list.

Last week, my friend Nikki, a local yoga teacher, posted on Facebook about her studio’s workshops with Dana Falsetti. I had seen Dana’s viral video a while back, and felt inspired to try yoga again, but seeing the post that she was coming to a studio less than three miles from my house is what finally got my ass back on the mat last night.

I signed up for the Restorative Yoga class because that sounded like the easiest of the three workshops being offered. I arrived early (yes, my notoriously late self showed up early) and selected a spot right across from Dana not knowing what to expect. I anxiously sat and waited for the class to begin.

Dana opened the class by sharing her story of how she came to find herself through yoga and start living an authentic life. Every word she said resonated and the tears began to come. Her message of authenticity and self-love is one I’ve heard many times, but it’s not one that I’m living.

My thoughts went back and forth between being inspired and being totally jealous because here she was with so much wisdom and confidence at 23, and here I am all jacked-up at 41. At 23, I was a mess. I had just come out of an abusive relationship. I was working an ungodly amount of hours for next to nothing. I was burned out and depressed and absolutely clueless about who I was. Meanwhile, here I am 18 years later and not much of that last sentence has changed.

After Dana’s talk, some Q&A and a few more tears, we got started with the poses for the evening. As I mentioned before, I selected the restorative yoga session because it seemed like it would be easy. And while I wasn’t stuck holding some shaky leg position for far too long or attempting a handstand, it was anything but easy for me.

The purpose of restorative yoga is to center your breath and body, aligning the physical and the mental, by practicing stillness for extended periods of time.

Stillness is not something that comes easy for my body or my mind.

As I settled into the first pose, my mind wandered from what was I going to post on Instagram about this experience, to this blog post, to wondering why I can’t quit eating carbs, and why my daughter won’t listen to me… I was all over the place.

Then I heard Dana’s voice, “If your mind starts to wander, bring it back to the mat.” Um, yeah, easier said than done.

My mind continued to wander… “I wonder if my feet smell funny to the person next to me. I should have faced the other direction. Why don’t I know what the hell I’m doing? Is she pissed that my feet are near her face? It’s crowded, so I hope she’s not pissed, but what if she is?”

We shifted to the other side for the second pose, again, the constant thought train, again, Dana’s voice, “If your mind starts to wander, bring it back to the mat.”

Ugh, it’s like she knows… okay, mind, back to the mat. “Is my mat good enough to be here? I hope it’s not falling apart. I’ve had this mat for a while. I got it for boot camp. I haven’t been to boot camp in so long. I can’t believe I stopped going. I totally suck. I want to go back, but I’m going to die when I do. I can’t go back until I can really commit. I’m not ready. But I need to go. I should go tomorrow. Wait, my mind is wandering again. WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO KEEP MY MIND FROM WANDERING?!!”

Seriously. I was pretty sure I was missing the point.

The third pose was a wall pose that was slightly comical to get into in a crowded room. So there were some giggles and laughter and side comments made that for traditional yogis were probably annoying, but for me were just what I needed to break the tension in my head. I somehow scooted my ass against the wall and got my legs up and settled into the pose. My hamstrings were stretched in a way they usually aren’t, and the stretch felt good but challenging.

And then the thoughts started again, but this time, I stopped them. I repeated in my head, “I surrender these thoughts. I surrender to this moment. I am here on my mat.”

I have no idea what prompted me to start that mantra, but it’s what came to mind and it stuck. Every time a new thought appeared in my head, I repeated, “I surrender these thoughts. I surrender to this moment. I am here on my mat.”

And I was there – in the moment. Mind and body connected. Present on my mat.

I’d love to say that some magical wisdom came to me during those moments or that I transcended to another plane and became all Zen. But it didn’t, and I didn’t. But I did feel refreshed, and that feeling along with the truth bombs Dana dropped were well worth the price of admission. I thanked Dana for inspiring me to show up, and I grabbed a schedule on my way out. I’ll be back on the mat again soon.

If you want to know more about Dana, or find a workshop near you, visit her website at danafalsetti.com.

Roam if you want to… (but don’t if you don’t!)

I just turned 41, and for my 41st birthday, I ran away from home. I checked into a hotel, drank mimosas next to the pool, took a 30 minute shower, ate breakfast in my bed, and never once turned on the TV. It was blissful… for me.

I know there are many women who can’t imagine leaving their kids for two days to go to a hotel. They will tell you that their husband can’t handle it, or that they can’t afford it, or make any number of excuses. For that woman, I say that’s fine. You do you. If you can’t leave, for whatever reason, it’s totally cool. But don’t begrudge me for doing it.

Before having kids, I loved traveling. I loved getting away, exploring new places and meeting new people. I loved sleeping alone. I loved not having a plan and letting the day take me wherever it wanted.

That all changed when I had children, and I’ve spent the last 11 ½ years navigating a life that still feels foreign to me at times. I love my kids. I can’t imagine my life without them. But I love my time without them. I love them more when I have a chance to miss them. I love myself more when I have an opportunity to remember who I was before I was Mom.

Some women were born to be moms. They thrive on the day-to-day. I’m not one of them. And that’s okay. We don’t all have to be the same kind of mom. Really – we don’t!

We live in a society today that finds some strange joy in judging other people’s choices when they don’t line up with our own. It’s crazy! I mean who wants everyone to be exactly like them? And if you’re judging out of jealousy, well I hope you find peace in your choices, and if your choices aren’t bringing you peace, then I hope you’ll consider making another choice so you can.

The happiest kids have happy parents who love them. So do what makes you happy and love your kids. It really is that simple.