Like a Mother

Redefining Motherhood

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Roam if you want to… (but don’t if you don’t!)

I just turned 41, and for my 41st birthday, I ran away from home. I checked into a hotel, drank mimosas next to the pool, took a 30 minute shower, ate breakfast in my bed, and never once turned on the TV. It was blissful… for me.

I know there are many women who can’t imagine leaving their kids for two days to go to a hotel. They will tell you that their husband can’t handle it, or that they can’t afford it, or make any number of excuses. For that woman, I say that’s fine. You do you. If you can’t leave, for whatever reason, it’s totally cool. But don’t begrudge me for doing it.

Before having kids, I loved traveling. I loved getting away, exploring new places and meeting new people. I loved sleeping alone. I loved not having a plan and letting the day take me wherever it wanted.

That all changed when I had children, and I’ve spent the last 11 ½ years navigating a life that still feels foreign to me at times. I love my kids. I can’t imagine my life without them. But I love my time without them. I love them more when I have a chance to miss them. I love myself more when I have an opportunity to remember who I was before I was Mom.

Some women were born to be moms. They thrive on the day-to-day. I’m not one of them. And that’s okay. We don’t all have to be the same kind of mom. Really – we don’t!

We live in a society today that finds some strange joy in judging other people’s choices when they don’t line up with our own. It’s crazy! I mean who wants everyone to be exactly like them? And if you’re judging out of jealousy, well I hope you find peace in your choices, and if your choices aren’t bringing you peace, then I hope you’ll consider making another choice so you can.

The happiest kids have happy parents who love them. So do what makes you happy and love your kids. It really is that simple.

Success and the Fear of Failing

Not too long ago my husband and I went to the driving range. I’m not a golfer, at all, but it’s something my husband enjoys, and it’s something I can tolerate, so we have found it to be a good day-date activity.

I had hit maybe 20 balls, and I was nearing the end of my golf ball hitting tolerance, but I decided to hit one more. I lined up my club and took the shot. It was perfect – well perfect for me at least – 175 yards straight down the middle – a beautiful shot!

I set my club down, looked at my husband and said, “That’s it. I’m done. I want to end on that note.” I walked over the bench and sat down while he finished hitting the rest of the bucket.

After we left, I thought back on that moment. How often do we do that in life? We have that one successful moment, and we think, “This is my one success. How could I ever repeat it? I don’t want to try again because I’m afraid I’ll fail.”

That fear of failure is what holds us back so often from the things we want to do, even if we have had success. Some people believe that success breeds more success, but sometimes success can actually be detrimental to our motivation and the way that we pursue things in the future.

What I have found over the years is that famous Wayne Gretzky quote is true, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I missed every single one of those next golf shots because I didn’t take them. I didn’t try.

How many shots do you miss each day?

You need to honor your successes. You need to be grateful that they happened. You need to carry them with you, but you cannot be afraid to take that next shot!

Step up, take that next shot – and take it like a mother!

No. Everything Does NOT Happen for a Reason.

I’ve heard all the platitudes since becoming the mom of a child with special needs. Whether it’s “God never gives you more than you can handle,” or “God only gives special kids to special parents,” or my personal favorite, “Everything happens for a reason.” Well, I’m here to tell you that they all suck.

I totally get that people are just trying to say something comforting, and the good angel on one shoulder wants me to keep smiling politely and say, “Thank you” like a good girl to keep the peace. But that smart-mouthed devil on the other shoulder (the one who actually isn’t afraid to speak her mind) – she’s ready to call bullshit on your supposedly comforting statements.

The comfort given is supposed to comfort the person receiving it. When you tell me that my son’s disabilities happened for a reason, you are basically telling me that I needed to learn some life lesson from the Universe (or God or whomever decided this so-called reason) and that the only way to teach it to me is to give my child a life-long hardship. Well, gee, thanks, because now I feel even shittier about myself.

“Oh, but Lynne… can’t you look back and see how having your son has changed your life for the better?”

That’s the typical argument – someone ultimately points out how a fight with a spouse led to being late for a bus that crashed, or how a terrible accident led someone to find their life’s purpose, or how a child with special needs made me a better person. But I still respectfully disagree. Things happen by chance or by choice.

How do you know the changes you made in your life would not have happened anyway for another reason? There are always choices and catalysts for our decisions. We have no idea what would have been and if that reality would be better or worse than the one we live.

No, it’s our perception of the events that leads to the changes we make. I can see where unexpected circumstances led me down different paths, but it’s the decisions I made and how I reacted to what happened that made me who I am. Believe me, I could have reacted much differently, and many people do.

I have trouble believing in a world where getting hit by a car or having a disabled child was “meant to be.” A higher power that thinks the only way to get through to us is by making someone else suffer would have to be one spiteful mofo, and I just don’t think that’s true.

But I do believe in a world where your circumstances don’t define you or me. They might force us to make tough choices and blaze a new trail than the path we thought we would take, but we are still in control of those choices because life is a choose-your-own-adventure book, not a how-to manual.